Greetings Denizen of the Internet.

Have you found and read this by some sort of crazy random happenstance? Did you somehow enjoy it? Well, you'll be pleased to know that I've actually moved on, abandoning this dead, over-mined home-world for a newly terraformed uber-planet.

In doing so, I've simply moved up a number on a scale and changed blog-host. Hence and therefore, you can find me at http://ibmv5.wordpress.com

I mainly did this since I largely self-plagiarized my old top-title and needed to change it to something else. So hey, whatever.

<3

Omegle: Talking to Strangers = ?

Manipulation is a great thing, it's probably why I enjoyed drama so much. To know that you were AFFECTING people, making them feel a way you intended them to feel, toying with their emotions, dragging them from "Oh wow, this is hilarious" to "Oh wow, this is OH SO DEEP and MEANINGFUL" too. Then again, maybe the fun thing about manipulation is the sheer power-trip knowing that you're in control.

And out of the Great Blue Internet Yonder, like a bat out of hell or a woman who's been to Paradise but never been to me, out comes Omegle.

The basic concept behind Omegle is nothing different from a regular internet chatroom, you communicate to people via text. Big whoop. The kicker really is the fact that you are talking to a complete stranger. There's no identifying username like "ILoveTaylorSwift69" or "Bigcock21", it's merely "You" and "Stranger".

Of course, the long-standing Internet Dickwad Theory applies to this form of communication. For every person ACTUALLY trying to communicate, you get some 4-Chan /b/tard trolling people by random disgusting sexual statements or by posting like giant ASCII Rick Astleys. I personally see myself as superior to that (both morally and in my execution method). For me, the exercise isn't just some kind of "oh lulz lets spam memes", it's an exercise in human manipulation.

How do I go about doing it? Well, for starters, I pretend to be Japanese. This isn't actually particularly hard for me, despite my hyper-grammatism and epically unnecessary inter-web verbosity. I actually studied Japanese until Year 10 and even went to Japan on Exchange. Those small things give you enough snippets of life experience to piece together a believeable enough picture.

But, you may be asking, why Japanese? Well, if you bust out Japanese and broken English, you're believeable enough for non-English speakers to trust as not being some random cock AND you can feign ignorance to other trollers and thereby counter-act their actions by not understanding them.

It's the same concept as Rock, Paper, Scissors? Why pick Paper? It's wussy and shit, why not just go ALL OUT POWERAAA with the rock? Because the Paper can wrap that rock shit up! That and the Japanese have an awful lot of pop culture that sounds dirty but is in actuality innocuous (for example, Hardo Gay and Pornograffiti being a comedian and a band respectively). Anyway, without further ado: let me present you one of three chat logs o' fun.

You: ohio gozaimasu!
Stranger: hello
You: oh...
You: hello
You:my english iss not very effecint
Stranger: japonese?
You: yes ^_^
Stranger: i'm portugal
You: are you from chikago?
Stranger: girl?
You: yesu
You: oh....
You: i am not very good atto typign english
Stranger: :)
You: i keepu adding u because many japanese word end in u
Stranger: :)
Stranger: i am a boy
You: when you turanzolate every word have japanese "u"
Stranger: how old are you?
You: like work in japanese katakana = "wa-a-ku"
You: i am 17
Stranger: do you want to talk about something?
You: do you enjoy tennisu?
Stranger: just watching
Stranger: i don't play
You: do you like Andi Marii?
You: oh sumimasen
Stranger: you play tennis?
You: Andy Murray -_-''
You: little bit
You: i am in my high school varsity team!!!
Stranger:cool
Stranger: i like to play basket
You: basuketobooru?
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: =)
You: oh...
Stranger: do you like to travel?
You: i am too small for playing
You: Ahh.... ^-^''
You: i have never leave Japan
You: i have go to Hokkaido
You:is very cold
Stranger: what's the name of your town?
You: Takarazuka
Stranger: don't know...
Stranger: mine is Lisboa
Stranger: do you know?
You: no???
Stranger: do you have a hi5 profile?
You: no...
You: do you like pornograffiti
Stranger: why?!?
You: ???
You: is this question strange in english?
Stranger: i see some films... i'm boy
Stranger: boys like to watch
Stranger: but i'm not addicted...
Stranger: why did you asked?
You: film clip?
Stranger: yeah... why are you asking?
You: oh they are my ichiban daisuki bando
You: ^ means "my number one liking band"
You: what song of pornograffiti you like????
Stranger: oh...
Stranger: i wasn't talking about a band...
Stranger: didn't understand
You: i am not comprehend?
Stranger: i thought you were talking about pornography...
You: yes???
You: pornograffiti?
Stranger:you are talking about a band?
You: yessu!
Stranger: ok
Stranger: i don't know that band...
You: oh...
You: you are refer to hentai?
Stranger: hentai?
You: i find wikipedia
You: In Japanese the word hentai is a kanji compound of 変 (hen meaning "change" "weird" or "strange")and 態 (tai meaning "attitude" or "appearance"). The term is used as a shortened form of the phrase 変態性欲 (hentai seiyoku), or "sexual perversion". In slang, 変態(hentai) is used as an insult meaning roughly "pervert" or "weirdo".
You: I do not understand all english but you understand???
Stranger: ok
Stranger: i understand that
You: you are hentai???
Stranger: no!!!
You: i am very confuse
You: you say you like pornography but you are notto hentai???
Stranger: i didn't say a like porno
Stranger: i just say i somentimes watch...
You: HENTAI!!!!!!
You: KOWAIII!!!!

This was pretty much the tip of the iceberg, in other
conversations, I managed to 'teach' some guy from "the netherlan" how to say random phrases in Japanese AND I managed to convince some Brazilian chick that I had some deepseeded hatred of American football due to the fact I was from Hiroshima.

I WAS FUCKING POWER TRIPPING. Any latent depression I had earlier today, TOTALLY GONE. What else can I say really?

As Captain Planet would put it, the power is yours. But with great power, comes great responsibility... (and great lulz)

80s Musical Advice of the Week

In lieu of actually posting anything of semi-interest for the past 3 months (or arguably, ever), this filler post comprises some wonderful life advice from 80s Australian rock band, Dragon. A band with such career highlights as calling a Texan audience "faggots" after being pelted off stage, something I'm sure everyone wanted to do at some stage of their lives.

They also bought drugs off Matthew Newton. Subsequently, (possibly as a direct result of?) half of the band died.

Anyway, considering the whole seasonal change (and the free extra bonus hour of sleep debt I get from Daylight Savings going away), this piece of pertinent advice may save you being ill or otherwise getting the Black Plague, which was still a real threat during the 80s when this some was released. Without further pointless worderizing, Rain by Dragon:

Don't you go out in the rain

Don't go out in the pouring rain

If you go out in the rain, we'll never have that time again

Truly, truly wise words. I'm so inspired by them that when I grow up, I want to be a mullet-wearing, sunglasses-clad keyboardist who plays all of like 5 notes in an entire song and plays them with such gusto!

Pros and Cons

In the (paraphrased) words of Earth, Wind and Fire:

"Do you remember the 27th night of September?"

I sure don't, but supposedly that was the last time I've blogged so I figured, new year, new blog, why not?

Alas, what does one write about? World of Warcraft addictions? Dull. General life? Dominated by World of Warcraft addictions, therefore dull. New Year? Resolutions? Change? Betterness? Facebook?

One of my strange semi-vanities is the Compare People application on Facebook, you essentially compare one person one your friend list to another randomly selected in a variety of different catagories. The thing then rates you based on your friend list as to how you 'rank' in a variety of different areas. However, it features inherent difficiencies in properly getting rankings as if you don't rank other people, you come up less on other peoples' comparisons and therefore can't achieve more wins and a higher rank.

Why am I so obsessed with it when it is inherently flawed? Simple reason, PERFECTION. Despite the fact I'm only 8th, 15th and 17th in Tech-Savviness, artisticness and 'most useful', in each of those, I have an absolutely perfect, 100% win record. 5/5 people believe that I'm more technologically competant than someone else picked at random from their friend list. Sure, it could be in comparison to a grandma who thinks phones are a tool of Satan, a Hermit living in Inner Mongolia or a child with Downs Syndrome but it still gives me a minor twang of self-worth.

So, if we're to list things that I'm a perfect victory at (according to a meaningless application) they are:

• Tech-Savviness - Vicious lies, simply because one spends most of his time playing computer games, does not mean they know much about how to operate and do complex things WITH a computer

• Artistic - Fact: My Drama Original Solo Production is funnier than 15 episodes of Rove put together, it's also only 7 minutes. Expanded into an hour, it could quite easily fill up a programming line-up from just repeating that same episode weekly. Works for Rove no?

• Useful - I can bake a cake!

• Organized-ness - Total fallacy to anyone who actually knows me, planning to do things in the last minute doth not maketh one organized

Great, clearly they're traits that people perceive me as having. New Year's Resolutions are supposedly all about making positive change, so where better to find out where than in Facebook! THE PERFECT FAILURE(s):

• Confidence - "This year, I resolve to imbibe more Mexican-brewed Liquid Confidence so I am able to be a more confident, well-rounded person."

• More Powerful (therefore, less powerful) - "This year, I resolve to 'Roid up, tear t-shirts apart and buy a hand-gun."

• Talkativeness (or lack-thereof) - See 'Confidence'

• Craziness (or lack-thereof) - NAAAARRC! "This year, I resolve to become a Mexican Pro Wrestler and therefore replace dull-ness with SUPER CRAZY-ness!"

• A Better Smile - I blame parents and lack of Dental Plan and therefore lack of Braces. Fuck that.

Good list to start with, if I do say so myself. Happy New Year to thee all. May your cake not be a lie and may you have OVER 9000(!!!) positive things happen to you in the coming 12 months. /recyclingoldmemes

The Tekken Factor: Turning the Learning Curve into a 89.9 Degree Incline

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon, Religious Meditations, Of Heresies, 1597

English author, courtier, & philosopher (1561 - 1626)

Ah how the quotation still rings true today. Despite the fact that it was seemingly written in some book about heretics, this quote can really be directly applied to Tekken 6.

Tekken 6 as with the vast majority of fighting games is heavily reliant on in-game knowledge. You need to know what your chosen character is capable of, the tricks you can pull off, the most damaging move combination in a particular situation and what not. Then you need to know your opponent's character, what are their tricks? How do you avoid them? What moves of theirs can you punish and what move do you do it with?

In a series like Street Fighter, it isn't too complex. There's a relatively small roster and each character only has a handful of different normal attacks and special moves, a lot of them are even variations on a theme as with Ken, Ryu and Akuma who essentially share the Hadouken, Shoryuken and Hurricane Kick (one special move I don't know the full fancy Japanese name for, sif it's Tatsumaki Senpu Kyaku, he's totally saying Fuck-Fuck-Dooken).

However, take a game like Tekken 6 where there's a ridiculously large roster with 43 unique and varied characters including: Yoshimitsu; Bob - the Failed Subway Guy; E. Honda; Token Loli Upskirt Girl; Token Old Kung-Fu Master/Pedo; and Skippy the Bush Kangaroo , it's nigh impossible to know how to punish and counter the moves of every single other character with your character of choice.

As such, you end up plugging in $2 into the machine to essentially see someone who's most likely Asian rip you apart in what is effectively an 80 second (if that) combo video.

The major issue with this is that there is no real 'solution' to it if you're attempting to learn a new arcade game without a console port, if the price were lowered the price to $1 a game it'd just mean you'd lose half as much in the period of time. Even fighters that have been emulated with online netplay (and hence free access to opponents) have their own flaws in that you need to own a PC-compatible arcade stick which is relatively expensive. There's not a large amount of point in learning how to play a game if you can only play it on a keyboard and that ability doesn't translate to actually being able to beat someone in an arcade where pride and money is on the line. That and you'd run into online delay which you wouldn't have in a real arcade situation

Fighting games like Street Fighter 4 or Soul Calibur 3 that have a 'beginner mode' which allows you say 3 fights without the ability for people to challenge you don't really help you attain any degree of competence. You may get a chance to get a feel for a character and to practice landing a particular juggle combo but it won't help an ounce if you're against a relentless human that won't necessarily fall for the same things a CPU may perpetually fall for.

Another significant issue, particularly in Australia, is a lack of a significant and large arcade scene at most hours of the day. If you were in Japan you'd probably be able to get viciously beaten by some guy then sit back and watch as someone else challenges him and watch what he's doing. In a Timezone in Perth at about 2pm on a Friday afternoon, it's just you and infinitely-better-than-you-Asian guy, you lose and he just sodomizes the computer instead of you, there's no opportunity for observational learning.

Oh well, perhaps I'll never learn how to use my Wang properly...

The Dark Cash-In

The Dark Knight was truly an epic movie. I mean it had this whole underlying moral conflict, explosions, Aaron "I Believe (I have a mancrush) in Harvey Dent" Eckhart, Heath Ledger giving an awesome final performance as an awesome villain who was actually three-dimensional and intelligent instead of simply being a stupid one-trick pony. What didn't it have? Katie Holmes reprising her role for one. Bet she's choking on her 'conflicting schedule' now!


FUN FACT: Had Katie Holmes not pulled out of The Dark Knight, that would have been the second film in which she'd be having a relationship with Aaron Eckhart, the first being Thank You For Smoking (brilliant film, definately worth watching whether you're a fan of the awesomeness that is Aaron Eckhart or you can't get enough of Katie Holmes and her usual mediocre performances!)


Infact, the movie was so epic that it "inspired" a Dark Whopper . How does a film essentially about legitimate vs. illegitimate justice and what not manage to inspire a burger? Quote random news source: "Burger King says that the Dark Whopper burger is made with ingredients that 'reflect the dark side of Batman'".

Considering how dubious and dark the composition of a Whopper already is (mystery cardboard 'beef' and 'secret sauce'), how much darker can it get? I can just imagine what went on in the brainstorming session for this.

Burger King PR Guy #1: Right, so we've got this biiig movie cash-in with the Dark Knight, what can we do? Ideas people!

Burger King PR Guy #2: Um... lets make a Whopper, but call it a DARK WHOPPER, they'll flock to it.

PR Guy #1: Great idea Mephistopheles, you're totally getting 67% more orphan souls in your pay packet this week! Now, what can we do to make it a Dark Whopper?

PR Guy #3: How about we go down to local pounds, adopt all the homeless puppies then make the patties out of them?

PR Guy #1: That's pretty good but I think it needs a bit more than that.

PR Guy #2: Okay, here's a CRAZEH idea, don't like ridicule me for this... how about... we add in some Sheep Placentas?

(Fun fact: I opened the pantry the other day and found a bottle of that stuff in there, needless to say I was horrified and disturbed)

PR Guy #1: Great job Meph! Keep it up and you may get a meeting with our CEO Lucy Fur pretty soon!

Anyone had the gall to actually consume one of these and survive to tell the tale? Feel free to leave a comment and let me actually know what the hell it is.

On the topic of fast food, I realized that I ended up like missing all of the special 'McContinent' burgers they were realising prior to the Olympic games. I mean yes, there's a McAustralia now and they've re-released the McAmerica Bagel but why would I want one of them? I mean really, the best stuff would be the other 3 non-dull continents:

The McEurope: Beef Carpaccio served with truffle-infused foie gras and balsamic vinegar perhaps? Maybe even an Art House French Film in the Le Fappy Meal and a 'toy'

The McAsia: Whale meat, Sweet and Sour Pork and Satay sauce. Served with Bubble Tea, prawn crackers on the side and Arts Degree napkins (I'm Asian, I know these things). And of course, last but definately not least;

The McAfrica: Zimbabwean-made Soylent Green patty drizzled with a Blood Diamond jus, garnished with Egyptian Hieroglyph Fries

Man I must have missed out...

Another One Bites the Dust

Many of my political heroes have a tendancy to fall from their extremely high perches and die a vicious political (or potentially literal) death. For example: JFK, Gough Whitlam, the Australian Democrats, Mark Latham and King Leonidas.

Now, to that glorious list of heroes, I now have to add Troy "The Omnibus" Buswell recently resigned leader of the WA Liberal party.

Why was he unceremoniously dethroned from the WA Liberal party? Because he sniffed a woman's chair and snapped another woman's bra. This was most likely prior to being elected leader so surely, why should that affect anything?

Prior to Latham become Labor leader, he punched dodgy taxi drivers, afterward he gave old monobrowed Prime Ministers Man-Shakes (like a hand shake, just far, far, far manlier).

Leonidas killed wolves in the freezing cold wearing nothing but a loincloth prior to becoming king, afterward he kicked an Iranian guy down a bottomless pit before single-handedly owning a Persian army by himself (also while wearing nothing but a loincloth and possibly now with the addition of a cape).

Alpha Males like the School Buswell and Leonidas can't help themselves but to assert their Übermenschiality. Its just simple human nature that the Alpha Male acts like a REAL MAN(!) while the Omega Male acts like a softcock before backstabbing the Alpha Male. Just as Leonidas had his Ephialtes (the short, crippled hunchback, Gollum-like guy), the Shuttle Buswell had his in the form of jealous, short Gollum-like Paul "I'm a Gay" Omodei. Pauly O totally couldn't handle being defeated by the Buswell so he got his little flying monkeys ala the Wizard of Oz to dig up dirt on his uberman actions to make everyone without as much testosterone as the Bus epic jealous.

As a result, all my Buswell campaign material I was going for forward on to his office for the upcoming state election is now totally worthless. What am I going to do with the crates full of badges I made with the slogan "Get on board! Ride the Buswell!" now? The T-Shirt, badge and bumper sticker combo would have blown Kevin07 out of the water! "I'm in my car but I'm on board the Buswell" bumper stickers anyone?

Perhaps a couple of election posters will reconvince the Libs to reinstate him to leadership.


Fun Fact: Buswell's wife is Asian. AZN PRIDE REPRESENT!

Job Hunting: A Blood Sport

Being Asian at University (unless you're me, the dirty disgrace of an Arts Student that I am, hidden behind the guise of a 'Communication Studies' degree) generally means you study Medicine, Engineering, Law or some form of Manticorean hybrid of all three. This is generally served with a side-degree of Commerce since we Asians are big on money and profiteering and what not.

Now of the Asian Uni-going population, you can generally be split into two rough groups:

• Those whos parents own some form of Asian restaurant that slave away countless hours helping out the family business in dispensing its Sweet and Sour Pork and Honey Lemon Chicken. While driving between houses to dispense their Westernized Eastern 'cuisine', they're probably hardcore enough to take notes on a lecture they're listening to on a car radio (the true reason why Asians are crap drivers, they're multitasking)

• Rich, parent-sponsored kiddies who have never ever held down a job and probably will never hold down any form of job until they finish their uber-degree and leap straight to being a Medical Engineering Lawyer that's using their Commerce degree (and their trust-fund) to help them in setting up a McDonalds franchise empire spanning Kardinya through to Wongthrop.

Then you have those that fall through the cracks such as myself who's too rich to be in Struggletown but too poor to be considered a Class-2 Trust Funder. Those such as myself get normal jobs to get more disposable income/savings-for-franchise-empire and hence and therefore have to engage in JOB HUNTING!

The first step to being a successful Hunter is learning how to be a Master Baiter. Jobs, like any form of prey, don't just come charging out at predators but prefer to remain hidden until drawn out. The hunter's bait of choice? Resumes. For most, this is a simple task. For those such as myself, its infinitely harder. I struggle to hand in a resume due my ego being violated by the mere possibility of the walk out of the store being one where the person you've just talked to looks at you dismissively. Shallow? Quite. Paranoid? Extremely.

My solution to my self created problem? Purchasing stuff. Its a near foolproof way to solve the potentially awkward "walk in, ask if they're looking for people, walk out" situation. You walk in, take a look about the store, find something small you want to buy and waltz over to the cashier, pay for it and then, following the "Hi, how are you? Good thanks, you? Good." exchange, you casually slip in the "out of curiosity, are you looking for casual or part-time staff at all?" line and hand in a resume. As an added bonus, assuming this person has some degree of authority in the business, they then remember you as that Asian guy that came in the other day. For example, take my Friday afternoon gone-by expedition to the Concrete Jungle of Perth:

Comic-book store: Ultimate Spider-Man comic

Newsagency: One of those ultra-handy 4-coloured clicky pens

Angus and Robertson: A video-game magazine (this baiting was a failure however as the species only seems to accept bait that is handed directly to its online lair)

The ABC Shop: Nothing. I don't have any interest in buying an overpriced CD by Andre Rieu or an overpriced Two Fat Ladies DVD just for the sake of handing in a resume. I also fear not, the glare of the ABC employee. Why did I put in a resume here again?

Game Shops: Again nothing. Considering employees at a video game store are most likely nerds such as myself, the odds of them giving me a condescending glance are relatively low (I hope...)

Note though that this theory falls apart if we're talking about Electronics Boutique (or EB Games as they are now called, it kinda makes sense considering it wasn't much of a boutique and it didn't really sell vacuum cleaners, stoves or whitegoods...) as the sales staff there are generally either smarmy uninformed male douchebags or token moderately attractive females who are just as, if not potentially more, uninformed. An imaginary conversation at EB (if I bothered buying there in the first place, its infinitely cheaper to import from overseas) generally goes like so:

Smarmy EB Grunt: Okay pre-owned game, that comes to $96.95 (despite probably giving the person that traded it in about $20) *money handed over* Okay! Do you have an EDGE card at all?

Me: No

Smarmy EB Grunt: Did you want to buy one? Its only $10 and it gives you...

Me: No!

Smarmy EB Grunt: Did you want to buy a Game Guarentee at all, its only $5 and it lets you...

Me: No! Fuck off and stop trying to peddle your crap wares, I do NOT want to pay 10% less on your already overpriced second hand games. I actually TAKE CARE of my games so I don't need to buy some bullshit warranty for them off you, FUCK OFF AND LET ME PAY FOR YOUR OVERPRICED GAME!

Alas, this concludes the introduction to the vicious blood sport that is Job Hunting. Now you've learnt how to lure your prey out of hiding. If and when I eventually get an interview, I will discuss the Art of the Chase and the way to close in for the kill once you've successfully baited your prey.

Bus Wars Episode V: The Transperth Strikes Back

In the words of the N.W.A., Fuck Tha (Transit) Police.

In some sort of sick poetic justice/Karmic retribution/lawlzj00GOTZpwndzeD, the day after my prior blog entry about Transperth, I get smacked down with a $50 fine. Why? Because I 'attempted to leave a train station without a valid ticket'. I bought myself a concession ticket (from a nice bus-driver who wasn't a slave to a ridiculous bureaucratic system) and as I took my post-city-shopping shortcut through the train station to get to the Wellington Street Bus Station, I get told by an old Italian 'Transit Officer' (read: wanna-be police officer for public transport. Truly a noble occupation) that my ticket was invalid due to not having a SmartRider! Nope, having a full-time student card doesn't prove you're a concession holder at all. Not even with a sticker and a photo. AND since I was attempting to leave the station, I get a nice little $50 fine unless I waltz down to a Transperth Office with my Smartrider to clear it all up!

On top of that, apparently he does this to everyone and wasn't just picking on me and that it was 'for my own good so I wouldn't forget my SmartRider in future'. Wow, as if a 15% to 25% saving on normal fares wasn't a good enough incentive to not forget my SmartRider, it also acts as an arsehole deterrent. It truly is a Smarter Way to Travel!

Now during this whole long, drawn out fine writing procedure (where he proceeded to mangle the spelling of Dianella by spelling it Daniella), he attempted to ask me questions about what I'm studying. If I'm studying something is that not enough evidence that I just MIGHT be a concession holder? Also, does he not realize that when I'm being held up with this sort of bullshit, I'm not exactly in the mood to exchange in meaningless chit-chat? It was only through some sort of sheer force of will that I stopped myself from telling him to go and step 2 meters to his right and lie in front of a speeding train (which wasn't there by the way, thats one of the many great modern achievements of the Department for Planning and Infrastructure. Having a train platform thats not used about 95% of the time is truly a feat to be admired).

As the 'Officer' of the (By)-Law gives me my ticket and I finally go to leave, he tells me to "have a nice day". I'm sorry but I was having a nice day. I WAS until you came along with your little notepad and gave me a fine on that wonderful little generic sheet, y'know the one that DID NOT ACTUALLY APPLY TO MY CIRCUMSTANCE. He asked me what station I boarded the train on but did not comprehend the fact I did not actually board a train. I told him I walked from the Esplanade to the city and then walked to the train station which he took as "boarding at Esplanade Station". Frankly, if the guard at the entrance was actually there and doing their job, I wouldn't have actually been in, and therefore not actually exiting, the station at all.

So, a week after the incident, I went to deal with the incident. I go to the Esplanade Transperth office and they say I need to go to one in Wellington Street. I go to the Wellington Street office, they say I need to go to the Infringements Office at the other end of the train station. When there, I give the surly looking middle-aged worker-drone my ticket and my SmartRider and she disappears then reappears and I ask her whether the problem is dealt with. She replies that no, its not, they have to check whether my SmartRider is a concession one and then they'll send me a letter in the mail.

Now this is what confuses me. Greatly. All these Transperth offices direct me to this one particular Infringements Office for dealing with my so-called 'offense', presumably so they can deal with it quickly and efficiently. Yet, when I go there, they DON'T deal with it quickly and/or efficiently but rather, need to check whether my SmartRider is a Student SmartRider. This brings me to the point that confuses me, why could they not check it out there and then?

What does every single bus and both of those non-Infringement Offices share in common? A little machine that lets you add money to your SmartRider. A machine that also quite clearly says, in a matter of moments, what kind of SmartRider it is. Whether its a Student SmartRider, Vanilla SmartRider, Senior SmartRider, Retarded SmartRider or a Street SmartRider, that pile of nuts and bolts quite clearly states whatever kind it is. You'd think that an Infringements Office would have one of those for quickly and easily determining whether I truly was a concession holder. However, in a triumph of governmental bureaucratic bullshit over practicality, they instead photocopied my SmartRider so they'd be able to look it up on their database.

If they were competant in any way, shape or form, they'd actually have that contraption there. Then again, it IS Transperth. The adjective 'competant' would never accurately describe them unless it has the prefix 'in' resting comfortably and perpetually before it. It was also need to be followed by some form of expletive noun. Alannah 'Miss Transperth' MacTiernan (2009 FHM Sexiest Woman of the Year, watch your back Megan Fox) should totally expect an angry email and/or letter. And a petition, yeah, why the fuck not, a petition! And a Facebook group! Online Petition and Facebook group, totally going to be the most successful revolution ever!

(Sieg) Heil to the Busdriver, Busdriver Scam

Well, for my first post in the reincarnation of something I did once upon a time in high school, I figured I may as well start with a tale of immense insignificance from days long gone by.

Back in the good ol' days of High School, if you were a student, you used to get a concession sticker. A magic piece of paper with adhesive on the back that that basically said, "Hey, look I get to pay less than you do to catch public transport until the 31st of March next year! In your face old folks, (except those who are old enough to get senior concessions), in your face!!!".

Fast forward to the present day and the concession sticker has joined the ranks of the dinosaurs, the dodo and the unicorn as one of the beautifully noble creatures that are now, sadly, extinct. How does one get the concession discount fare? By having a SmartRider. What happens if you lose your SmartRider yet still want your concession fare? Well, apart from using a 'dumber' way to travel as opposed to the SmartRider's 'smarter way to travel', one of two things:

1. The super-special-awesome busdriver gives you your concession one zone fare when you ask for it. You pay your 90 cents and sit down. Everyone ends up happy, no kittens die as a result of this action.
2. The busdriver doesn't give you a concession fare because they hate the youth of today and hope they go and wind up in poverty and on the streets because of the extra $2.60 a day they'll end up spending.

I don't mind them following mindless red-tape bureaucracy asking for a SmartRider when I'm catching the bus to uni. I mean after all, I could be one of THOSE DIRTY ASIAN DRUG SMUGGLERS that feature so prevalently on BORDER SECURITY - AUSTRALIA'S LAST LINE OF DEFENSE AGAINST FOREIGN INVADERS. I could be secretly trying to destroy the Australian way of life by SMUGGLING SUBSTANCES INTO AND OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND CATCHING THE BUS CHEAPER.

By leeching an extra $2.60 a day from my disposable income (which I've probably made via smuggling drugs or cute little possums/birds/wombats) I'd otherwise be spending on pocketknives, guns, bling, booze, weed, crack, hookers and suping up my Nissan Sylvia/Skyline/*insert wanky Ricemobile here*, they're merely doing their civic duty to protect the Orrstaylyun way of life from dirty Chinks like yours truly.

What does shit me is when they ask for my SmartRider as I'm leaving from uni. I mean really, join the dots:

• I'm in a large queue populated by uni students
• I'm carrying a large backpack laden with stationary, laptop and enough books to cause dorsalgia
• It takes me about 10 days to get near the level of most peoples' two-day-growth
• And I have my uni card out with a sticker saying "Full-Time Student 2008"

Regardless of the overwhelming evidence in favour of the fact that I'm a student and hence deserving of third degree price discrimination, they ask me if I have my SmartRider... If I had my SmartRider, wouldn't I be using it to claim my concessionality?

Of course not! I'd want to pay 17% more than I'd have to just to simply have the pleasure of asking for a single-zone concession ticket from you in person! I just lack that much social contact that I NEED to just go up to you and ask for a ticket while paying more just to make me feel more complete as a person.

Feel good about yourselves Missus/Messrs tight-arse busdrivers, that $2.60 a day, it totally could have gone to World Vision to save 2.6 starving African children (note: most probably not very likely). Instead its gone to filling the coffers of some government subsidized entity.

Totally not Orrstraylyun of youse!!!