Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Tekken Factor: Turning the Learning Curve into a 89.9 Degree Incline
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The Dark Cash-In
FUN FACT: Had Katie Holmes not pulled out of The Dark Knight, that would have been the second film in which she'd be having a relationship with Aaron Eckhart, the first being Thank You For Smoking (brilliant film, definately worth watching whether you're a fan of the awesomeness that is Aaron Eckhart or you can't get enough of Katie Holmes and her usual mediocre performances!)
Infact, the movie was so epic that it "inspired" a Dark Whopper . How does a film essentially about legitimate vs. illegitimate justice and what not manage to inspire a burger? Quote random news source: "Burger King says that the Dark Whopper burger is made with ingredients that 'reflect the dark side of Batman'".
Considering how dubious and dark the composition of a Whopper already is (mystery cardboard 'beef' and 'secret sauce'), how much darker can it get? I can just imagine what went on in the brainstorming session for this.
Burger King PR Guy #1: Right, so we've got this biiig movie cash-in with the Dark Knight, what can we do? Ideas people!
Burger King PR Guy #2: Um... lets make a Whopper, but call it a DARK WHOPPER, they'll flock to it.
PR Guy #1: Great idea Mephistopheles, you're totally getting 67% more orphan souls in your pay packet this week! Now, what can we do to make it a Dark Whopper?
PR Guy #3: How about we go down to local pounds, adopt all the homeless puppies then make the patties out of them?
PR Guy #1: That's pretty good but I think it needs a bit more than that.
PR Guy #2: Okay, here's a CRAZEH idea, don't like ridicule me for this... how about... we add in some Sheep Placentas?
(Fun fact: I opened the pantry the other day and found a bottle of that stuff in there, needless to say I was horrified and disturbed)
PR Guy #1: Great job Meph! Keep it up and you may get a meeting with our CEO Lucy Fur pretty soon!
Anyone had the gall to actually consume one of these and survive to tell the tale? Feel free to leave a comment and let me actually know what the hell it is.
On the topic of fast food, I realized that I ended up like missing all of the special 'McContinent' burgers they were realising prior to the Olympic games. I mean yes, there's a McAustralia now and they've re-released the McAmerica Bagel but why would I want one of them? I mean really, the best stuff would be the other 3 non-dull continents:
The McEurope: Beef Carpaccio served with truffle-infused foie gras and balsamic vinegar perhaps? Maybe even an Art House French Film in the Le Fappy Meal and a 'toy'
The McAsia: Whale meat, Sweet and Sour Pork and Satay sauce. Served with Bubble Tea, prawn crackers on the side and Arts Degree napkins (I'm Asian, I know these things). And of course, last but definately not least;
The McAfrica: Zimbabwean-made Soylent Green patty drizzled with a Blood Diamond jus, garnished with Egyptian Hieroglyph Fries
Man I must have missed out...
Another One Bites the Dust
Now, to that glorious list of heroes, I now have to add Troy "The Omnibus" Buswell recently resigned leader of the WA Liberal party.
Why was he unceremoniously dethroned from the WA Liberal party? Because he sniffed a woman's chair and snapped another woman's bra. This was most likely prior to being elected leader so surely, why should that affect anything?
Prior to Latham become Labor leader, he punched dodgy taxi drivers, afterward he gave old monobrowed Prime Ministers Man-Shakes (like a hand shake, just far, far, far manlier).
Leonidas killed wolves in the freezing cold wearing nothing but a loincloth prior to becoming king, afterward he kicked an Iranian guy down a bottomless pit before single-handedly owning a Persian army by himself (also while wearing nothing but a loincloth and possibly now with the addition of a cape).
Alpha Males like the School Buswell and Leonidas can't help themselves but to assert their Übermenschiality. Its just simple human nature that the Alpha Male acts like a REAL MAN(!) while the Omega Male acts like a softcock before backstabbing the Alpha Male. Just as Leonidas had his Ephialtes (the short, crippled hunchback, Gollum-like guy), the Shuttle Buswell had his in the form of jealous, short Gollum-like Paul "I'm a Gay" Omodei. Pauly O totally couldn't handle being defeated by the Buswell so he got his little flying monkeys ala the Wizard of Oz to dig up dirt on his uberman actions to make everyone without as much testosterone as the Bus epic jealous.
As a result, all my Buswell campaign material I was going for forward on to his office for the upcoming state election is now totally worthless. What am I going to do with the crates full of badges I made with the slogan "Get on board! Ride the Buswell!" now? The T-Shirt, badge and bumper sticker combo would have blown Kevin07 out of the water! "I'm in my car but I'm on board the Buswell" bumper stickers anyone?
Perhaps a couple of election posters will reconvince the Libs to reinstate him to leadership.
Fun Fact: Buswell's wife is Asian. AZN PRIDE REPRESENT!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Job Hunting: A Blood Sport
- Those whos parents own some form of Asian restaurant that slave away countless hours helping out the family business in dispensing its Sweet and Sour Pork and Honey Lemon Chicken. While driving between houses to dispense their Westernized Eastern 'cuisine', they're probably hardcore enough to take notes on a lecture they're listening to on a car radio (the true reason why Asians are crap drivers, they're multitasking)
- Rich, parent-sponsored kiddies who have never ever held down a job and probably will never hold down any form of job until they finish their uber-degree and leap straight to being a Medical Engineering Lawyer that's using their Commerce degree (and their trust-fund) to help them in setting up a McDonalds franchise empire spanning Kardinya through to Wongthrop.
Then you have those that fall through the cracks such as myself who's too rich to be in Struggletown but too poor to be considered a Class-2 Trust Funder. Those such as myself get normal jobs to get more disposable income/savings-for-franchise-empire and hence and therefore have to engage in JOB HUNTING!
The first step to being a successful Hunter is learning how to be a Master Baiter. Jobs, like any form of prey, don't just come charging out at predators but prefer to remain hidden until drawn out. The hunter's bait of choice? Resumes. For most, this is a simple task. For those such as myself, its infinitely harder. I struggle to hand in a resume due my ego being violated by the mere possibility of the walk out of the store being one where the person you've just talked to looks at you dismissively. Shallow? Quite. Paranoid? Extremely.
My solution to my self created problem? Purchasing stuff. Its a near foolproof way to solve the potentially awkward "walk in, ask if they're looking for people, walk out" situation. You walk in, take a look about the store, find something small you want to buy and waltz over to the cashier, pay for it and then, following the "Hi, how are you? Good thanks, you? Good." exchange, you casually slip in the "out of curiosity, are you looking for casual or part-time staff at all?" line and hand in a resume. As an added bonus, assuming this person has some degree of authority in the business, they then remember you as that Asian guy that came in the other day. For example, take my Friday afternoon gone-by expedition to the Concrete Jungle of Perth:
Comic-book store: Ultimate Spider-Man comic
Newsagency: One of those ultra-handy 4-coloured clicky pens
Angus and Robertson: A video-game magazine (this baiting was a failure however as the species only seems to accept bait that is handed directly to its online lair)
The ABC Shop: Nothing. I don't have any interest in buying an overpriced CD by Andre Rieu or an overpriced Two Fat Ladies DVD just for the sake of handing in a resume. I also fear not, the glare of the ABC employee. Why did I put in a resume here again?
Game Shops: Again nothing. Considering employees at a video game store are most likely nerds such as myself, the odds of them giving me a condescending glance are relatively low (I hope...)
Note though that this theory falls apart if we're talking about Electronics Boutique (or EB Games as they are now called, it kinda makes sense considering it wasn't much of a boutique and it didn't really sell vacuum cleaners, stoves or whitegoods...) as the sales staff there are generally either smarmy uninformed male douchebags or token moderately attractive females who are just as, if not potentially more, uninformed. An imaginary conversation at EB (if I bothered buying there in the first place, its infinitely cheaper to import from overseas) generally goes like so:
Smarmy EB Grunt: Okay pre-owned game, that comes to $96.95 (despite probably giving the person that traded it in about $20) *money handed over* Okay! Do you have an EDGE card at all?
Me: No
Smarmy EB Grunt: Did you want to buy one? Its only $10 and it gives you...
Me: No!
Smarmy EB Grunt: Did you want to buy a Game Guarentee at all, its only $5 and it lets you...
Me: No! Fuck off and stop trying to peddle your crap wares, I do NOT want to pay 10% less on your already overpriced second hand games. I actually TAKE CARE of my games so I don't need to buy some bullshit warranty for them off you, FUCK OFF AND LET ME PAY FOR YOUR OVERPRICED GAME!
Alas, this concludes the introduction to the vicious blood sport that is Job Hunting. Now you've learnt how to lure your prey out of hiding. If and when I eventually get an interview, I will discuss the Art of the Chase and the way to close in for the kill once you've successfully baited your prey.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Bus Wars Episode V: The Transperth Strikes Back
Thursday, May 22, 2008
(Sieg) Heil to the Busdriver, Busdriver Scam
Back in the good ol' days of High School, if you were a student, you used to get a concession sticker. A magic piece of paper with adhesive on the back that that basically said, "Hey, look I get to pay less than you do to catch public transport until the 31st of March next year! In your face old folks, (except those who are old enough to get senior concessions), in your face!!!".
Fast forward to the present day and the concession sticker has joined the ranks of the dinosaurs, the dodo and the unicorn as one of the beautifully noble creatures that are now, sadly, extinct. How does one get the concession discount fare? By having a SmartRider. What happens if you lose your SmartRider yet still want your concession fare? Well, apart from using a 'dumber' way to travel as opposed to the SmartRider's 'smarter way to travel', one of two things:
- The super-special-awesome busdriver gives you your concession one zone fare when you ask for it. You pay your 90 cents and sit down. Everyone ends up happy, no kittens die as a result of this action.
- The busdriver doesn't give you a concession fare because they hate the youth of today and hope they go and wind up in poverty and on the streets because of the extra $2.60 a day they'll end up spending.
I don't mind them following mindless red-tape bureaucracy asking for a SmartRider when I'm catching the bus to uni. I mean after all, I could be one of THOSE DIRTY ASIAN DRUG SMUGGLERS that feature so prevalently on BORDER SECURITY - AUSTRALIA'S LAST LINE OF DEFENSE AGAINST FOREIGN INVADERS. I could be secretly trying to destroy the Australian way of life by SMUGGLING SUBSTANCES INTO AND OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND CATCHING THE BUS CHEAPER.
By leeching an extra $2.60 a day from my disposable income (which I've probably made via smuggling drugs or cute little possums/birds/wombats) I'd otherwise be spending on pocketknives, guns, bling, booze, weed, crack, hookers and suping up my Nissan Sylvia/Skyline/*insert wanky Ricemobile here*, they're merely doing their civic duty to protect the Orrstaylyun way of life from dirty Chinks like yours truly.
What does shit me is when they ask for my SmartRider as I'm leaving from uni. I mean really, join the dots:
- I'm in a large queue populated by uni students
- I'm carrying a large backpack laden with stationary, laptop and enough books to cause dorsalgia
- It takes me about 10 days to get near the level of most peoples' two-day-growth
- And I have my uni card out with a sticker saying "Full-Time Student 2008"
Regardless of the overwhelming evidence in favour of the fact that I'm a student and hence deserving of third degree price discrimination, they ask me if I have my SmartRider... If I had my SmartRider, wouldn't I be using it to claim my concessionality?
Of course not! I'd want to pay 17% more than I'd have to just to simply have the pleasure of asking for a single-zone concession ticket from you in person! I just lack that much social contact that I NEED to just go up to you and ask for a ticket while paying more just to make me feel more complete as a person.
Feel good about yourselves Missus/Messrs tight-arse busdrivers, that $2.60 a day, it totally could have gone to World Vision to save 2.6 starving African children (note: most probably not very likely). Instead its gone to filling the coffers of some government subsidized entity.
Totally not Orrstraylyun of youse!!!